[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
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When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
Lmao
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job