Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
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When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
ok hear me out: Luigiana
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
Actually cracking up @ this
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so