Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
You Might Also Like
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”