My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
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The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.