Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
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[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
Pot warmers of the day.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!