I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
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Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?