I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
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“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
me after drinking all the wine:
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”