*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
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I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
won’t smith
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
Become a minion. Get that bread.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body