just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
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Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
How about daylight saves us for once
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
They must have gotten it to go.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
Happy thanksgiving
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.