Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
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If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
Good morning
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.