[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
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If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
My first son he is wonderful
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.