Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
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MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Me irl
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.