A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
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Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay