my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
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Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out