Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
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Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?