My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
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[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
Somewhere in an alternate universe
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
dutch so unserious
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
my name if I was in the mob
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.