went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
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Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach