Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
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Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
Bill is short for Billiam
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
wow he looks just like him
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL