[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
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When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.