Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
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ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
incredible
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
I like donuts.
Twitter:
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.