A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
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A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.