People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
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Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.