Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
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GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
The pasta is now
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
me irl
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what