[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
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[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
it must be school picture day
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not