[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
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Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
bury ourselves
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.