“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
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[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
u spoke cat all this time??????
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
I am yelling
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]