Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
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Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey