I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
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Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
I’m confused about plants
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
Does anything good ever escape from a lab