Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
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[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.