my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
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Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.