Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
You Might Also Like
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”