Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
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At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert