I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
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I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
This forever.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier