Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
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I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
Who wants to be my Valentine?
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”