Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
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[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple