From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
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She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
cat faces on other animals, a thread
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
Aw man, but that’s the best part