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I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
never deleting this app.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
Body by sandwich.
Always the camel, never the toe.
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.