You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
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Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
marvel comics have peaked
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”