My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
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I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch