I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
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I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
Never go to sleep after making me angry
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.