Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
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All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
⬜️⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
🟩⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
🟩🟩🟩⬜️🟩
⬜️⬜️🟩🟩🟩
⬜️⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
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[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
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