People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
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If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?