“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
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My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.