ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
You Might Also Like
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
I am having an out of money experience.
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.