Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
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He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
My work here is done
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter