Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
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me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life