Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
You Might Also Like
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
🤣🤣
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh