“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
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Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
Guantanamo Bae
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
never deleting this app.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time