I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
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what kind of cook setting is this??
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.