I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
You Might Also Like
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
They got a point!
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
any last words?
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.