Tough love is true love
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No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.